Book Review: Being There

One of the greatest privileges of life within the church is the opportunity to participate in some of the most important moments of people’s lives. There are joyous times: weddings, baptisms, and a front row view of God’s work within the church. My husband and I have witnessed prodigals come home, marriages restored, and jobs provided. It’s a joy to rejoice with those who rejoice.

In addition, we are often invited into the intimate moments of mourning with those who mourn. We’ve walked into hospital rooms full of grief, homes aching with despair, and counseling sessions brimming with anger and hurt.

Often, I don’t know what to say or do. There are no easy answers for suffering. At times, I want to avoid these situations all together. For these reasons, I welcomed the opportunity to read Dave Furman’s new book, Being There. If you want to walk well with those who are suffering (and I hope that you do), I encourage you to read this book. It’s one of the most insightful and practical books I’ve read on the topic of helping those who are hurting.

Furman (who serves as the pastor of Redeemer Church of Dubai) writes from the perspective of one who suffers chronic physical pain. For years he’s endured a nerve disorder that often renders him unable to button his shirt, cut his food, or hold his own children. He’s faced depression, anger, and many sleepless nights because of the pain.

However, his primary audience is not those who are suffering, but those who care for those who are suffering. It’s a needed book for us all.

Being There begins with a chapter on grieving your own loss as you walk with another in their pain. Furman wisely acknowledges that suffering is never limited to the individual most impacted by the pain. He shares the many ways his illness affected his family, particularly his wife Gloria.  He offers this encouraging word for caregivers:

God will not abandon you in your grief and pain in helping the hurting. Your life of service to the depressed, disabled, or wounded may be exhausting and even painful for your own heart. You may be a silent sufferer, but God hears your cries for help and he sees your every minute of sacrificial service. You need to come to him with honesty, expectant that he will be with you in the midst of it (32).

Furman also directs his readers to the importance of being in God’s word and daily abiding in Jesus for strength to care for others. He faithfully reminds and warns us:

If you are not abiding in Christ, then your ministry is empty and useless. You are like a dry sponge without an ounce of hope to squeeze out to another. You have to walk with God in order to help those who are hurting walk closer with God (39).

From these two needed starting points, Furman moves into practical ways to care for those who are suffering. While reading, I found myself spurred on by the helpful examples and repenting of my own selfishness. Too often, I am afraid of walking alongside another because I know the burden it will bring to my own heart. Furman understands this temptation and directs us to our ultimate example of burden bearing: Jesus. He explains:

In order to carry the weight, you must come up right beside the person and relieve some of the weight he’s carrying. This isn’t easy work; it’s going to cost your something.  You will suffer when you bear someone’s burdens. You might even experience drastic pain in helping him. This is what we see with Jesus…If you’re not willing to see yourself burdened by others, you haven’t fully understood Christ as the one who bore your burdens on the cross (136)

The most helpful chapter for me was “Whatever You Do, Don’t Do These Things.”  Furman offers ten approaches that might appear helpful on the surface, but may inadvertently add to the pain.  This chapter is full of practical advice that everyone should read (and then read again and again).

Throughout the book, Furman offers insightful questions that help diagnosis our reasons for service and our heart attitudes as we serve. Towards the end, he questions,

As we consider a culture of care, an important question we should ask ourselves is, If everyone in our church served like me, what would our church look like? Would that be a good thing or not? Would our church look like a battleship getting ready for battle, with everyone working hard for the mission? Or would the church look more like a cruise ship, with everyone waiting for someone else to serve them? (138)

We are called to be a people who “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).  We can prepare our hearts for this service to one another by looking to Jesus and considering effective ways to love the suffering in our midst. Being There is a good place to begin.