How to Parent Teens with Gospel Hope, with Melissa Kruger (full interview) | Word First

all right I'm going to jump right into my conversation with Melissa we're just going to keep the hits a rolling Melissa KR Krueger is the vice president of discipleship programming at the Gospel Coalition she's also an author she's a Bible teacher but I know what she'd say I'm gonna give her a chance to say it that her most important role is being a wife to Mike and a mom to three young adults so she's here as promise to help us parent or grandparent uh with hope whatever season you're in apply it uh welcome back to grounded Melissa hey Erin it's so good to be here all right Melissa let's do what moms do tell me about your kids um I I I'm so glad I get to tell you about him I have three great kids I have a daughter Emma who's 23 I have a son John who's 20 and I have a daughter Kate who is 17 so I've got one still with me and I'm gonna lock her up and make her stay yes I feel that so deeply my baby is six but he's rude and he's growing all the time and I don't know what's how to stop him so I get it I tell her she's my favorite child because she stayed so far I like it it's a good play good way to frame it hey why why do you think the teenage years from a parenting perspective why do you think they're so wrapped in I don't know Doom I can't think of a better word for it why do you think we look at them with so much anxiety and fear yeah I mean really it is the messaging that comes at us right I can remember older moms saying things like little kids little problem s big kids big problems like okay I mean these little kids feel like a big problem sometimes you and they're like having Tantrums in the middle of the grocery store and you're like huh it's going to be worse so there's this like passing on of fear almost like wait just wait you just wait it's only going to get tougher I don't I mean we kind of do this as moms so I'd like to kind of inject a little bit of Hope into the discussion because I've I've loved the teen years I don't know about you I mean these have been great years and I think they can be really lifegiving and there's hard things about teen years but there's hard thing about toddler years too both hard things yeah yeah just in general moms need to be in each other's Corners a little bit more I don't know why we're always kind of like one uping in that way but I'm with you i' I've loved the teenage years so far now there are some unique challenges so let's not gloss over that what do you feel like are some of the unique challenges of raising teenagers particularly in this age in which we live what are some of the challenges yeah I think we are living in a lot of transition I mean we are genuinely living in the middle of basically an information revolution our teens have access to more information than any teenager has ever had access to in the history of the world normally I don't say big statements like that but this one is true I mean in their little phone they have a ton of information they also have a ton of access you know they have a ton of access to other people you know you used to say oh oh I want the same bike my neighbor has well now their neighborhood just got about a thousand people bigger because you the little device so things like Envy things like you know you're looking over the fence a lot more fences now um and so there there's a lot to navigate and we're all doing it for the first time it's not like we get a lot of you know like mess up attempts like we're all parenting teens for the first time at the same time our teen is being a teenager for the first time man I feel that I tell Eli my oldest all the time buddy you're my petri dish kid it's all an experiment I'm very sorry I just don't know what I don't know and I have to learn some things on you so that that's a real challenge yeah yeah it is it is all right every kid is different every family is different and so as much as I would love for you just like give me a checklist uh I know what we really need are some principles so what are some biblical principles that guided you as you raised your own kids yeah I think the basic of Hope to me is what I call in the book the basics of of Life which and the basics of our family which is the word prayer and church so sometimes we gloss over these things you know when we're parenting and we want the secret the Magic Bullet that's out there yeah and I actually think the Bible gives us just faithful practices that lead to faithful homes they are not glossy and shiny they are dayt day I need to be a mom who's in the word we so often want to get our teen in the word word but I have to be in the word and and the word is amazing it is not your local advice column it's not a self-help manual it is divine revelation it's different don't listen to me don't read my book read the Bible is what I want to tell people the Bible we have access to divine revelation that's totally different than what the world has we have access to Divine help through prayer we actually have someone who can change things I can't change my kids's heart I can't make them make the team I can't help them get a friend God can and we have that access so I mean that's hopeful right we have Divine wisdom Divine help and we have God's people in the church so we are not alone I think most Teen Moms one of the hardest things you cannot share your teens issues like you could the toddler ones you know we can all say oh yeah they threw up all over the calar you know we can share those toddler things you can't do that with your teenager it's not fair to them it's their story so sometimes we feel really lonely but in the people of the church we have a family that we can go to and ask for prayer it might not be as specific as we'd like but we do have a community and that Community blesses our teens as well so I think those three I call them the foundations of parenting teens they're really hopeful yeah I love that faithful practices can lead to faithfulness and I do think we want we want some new methodology we want some guarantee we want some strategy and taking us back to the word and what's there is so helpful you mentioned perer let's drill down there for a minute I I I got to confess I I was telling you before we went live I have my first driver and it has unlocked this level of anxiety that I've never known before in my life not been never been an anxious parent I'm like the Breezy parent of our marriage and then I put my kid behind a wheel and I am struggling to get Beyond like Lord just don't let him die in a car crash I am struggling to get Beyond just like Terror prayers so uh how can we just how can we add layers to our prayers and how does prayer impact our parenting yeah yeah you're you're nice you're actually praying that he's safe I was praying for myself that I when I was riding with my teenager now that he has his license I'm not riding with him as much anymore the perfect stage was rough I used to get in the car and be like oh they're gonna kill me so that that was a good prayer Aon yours is a better prayer than thing um but I do think I look we thought we had control when they were two we actually didn't but we we lived in this illusion of I'm in control of them the teen years just ripped that apart and we realized I'm really not in control I can't control where they go in that car really you know we are so limited and it's actually a wakeup call we need if you have a two-year-old right now and you're listening start praying now I yes you because you we just it's just an illusion but the Lord is overall and we can cry out to help to him for help and he hears us and it's one of the best things our kids can see us doing as they see us being dependent upon God they will learn that dependence because one day they're going to find out they are not in control over their life either and the example we set in the home is preaching a sermon even when our words aren't really we don't think our words are getting through to them they are watching how we live and they see what we depend on and they see oh they really depend on money they really depend on control they really depend on whatever they see our teen sees and so if they can see us being women of the word and women of prayer it's going to leave an impression on them oh that's good and deeply convicting I from Little would say I would pray with my kids and now that my sons are getting older they I'll get a text Mom can you pray for me I got a math test today Mom can you pray for me this and I'm like oo those seeds are starting to sprout up uh they're starting to realize that my mom will pray and that that has efficacy in my life so love that reminder okay I heard you say something that I got to be honest it was deeply convicting to me you said something like how does God want to use this season to change me rather than how do I get my teen to do what I want them to do so how does God want to use raising teenagers to transform us you think or how has he used it to transform you yeah um Bas in the second part of the book I talk about the Battle and I say the battle is not what we might think which is just to keep our kids out of like sex drug and rock and roll is actually the idolatry in my own heart Rises to the surface so what I want for my children is showing me the idol in my heart if it's not just give me G just give them Jesus Lord just let them know you um often we want Jesus and you know we want Jesus and they have a lot of friends Jesus and they make the sports team we care about you Jesus and they get into an Ivy League College whatever it might be like we add some things and when those things um don't happen our kids our kids understand what we love and this is the the scariest thing about being the parent of a Teen um there's a verse in Kings and it says while they were worshiping the Lord they were serving their idols and the children and the grandchildren did likewise wow so you know we can act like we're worshiping the Lord but we're really quietly serving our Idols before our kids and so I think what I've realized is this season of parenting is a time for me to be doing battle with my own idolatry yes can I really open-handed say Lord take these children do what you will with them have them Lord but may they just please know you that you know like may they like I know that's a good longing that will never be a bad longing right whereas all my other stuff can be mired in yeah the world and Su you know Earthly success and all those things but can I've seen it the Lord stripping me of those things and reminding me what's truly and eternally important it's such a good perspective shift I mean I I've often said I've heard mom say I was never angry till I had kids and it's like no you were angry you had murder in your heart and the Lord used your kids to expose what really existed and I if you're listening and when you think about raising your teenager you you're steeped in fear or you're steeped in anger or you're steeped in bitterness towards your child listen to what Melissa is saying let ask the Lord what Idols need dealt with in your own life you know we're hearing from so many parents of prodal at revor hearts and really everywhere I go I think of the women's Bible study group that meets in my home weekly lots of prodical in that group I think of places where I go to teach hearing from lots of moms of prodical they typically uh young adults parents of young adults but that can start in the teen here so I want that hope infusion again we said at the top of the episode that uh it's possible to pass on a legacy of faithfulness in this era of this a an information revolution you mentioned a spiritual Revolution a sexual Revolution lots of things happening that are not going the way God's people want them to go in this era is it possible to raise kids who walk Faithfully with Jesus yeah that's such a good question and just to that parent who's dealing with a prodical teen or prodigal Y young 20s something whatever um I do think we can be hopeful because here's the thing the ways of the world will not satisfy just like that you know the prodical child found himself in the eating in the pig diey you I mean he found himself there our kids may have to go through that before they realize the benefits of the home life of a Christian and the blessings of it but what I what I am extremely hopeful about is that God's word is true and his ways are better so while our our kids may run after what the world is trying to give them it's just false hope everything the world is promising them is just glittery but it's not real and so we have something real and I think when we are in those waiting Seasons we can still be hopeful because the Lord can still save Hearts we were all Once Dead in our trespasses and sins and he made us alive so the hope is not that we do everything right that we're the best parents even the hope is that the spirit can take a dead heart and make it alive that's our hope amen all right one last question I want you to get practical I'm finding that as my kids get older I have probably a sinful tendency to want to kick it into neutral a little bit I no longer have to manage every bite they put in their mouth or every time they go potty or their sleep schedule or all of that like I once used to really have to manage every detail and there's a part of me that just kind of wants to be like I'm through it I'm through the hard part what are some practical ways that you stay engaged with your kids as they've been teenagers and now young adults yeah I think we have to remain available and it is so easy to check out you're like oh you're making your lunchbox you're doing all those things and unfortunately availability is sometimes best at 10:30 p.m. at night it's true and and I'm I'm drooling on the couch I'm GNA be want to have this great conversation I'm like oh Lord help me stay awake I'm tired yeah so death to self when I had like a teething infant was you're up in the middle of the night holding them yeah death to self with a teenager might be you stay up an hour past when you'd really love to be a bet so that you can have those conversations that we're available and interested um I think one of the biggest things too is that we're listening you know I mean God's word tells us be slow to speak quick to listen and I think that's really true with our teenagers so practically that we're available just just listen look I know what I think about things I don't actually know what my teenager thinks about things and I'm never going to be able to meet them well if I'm not actively listening to them so taking the time to be available when they're ready to talk and that that is being flexible again that's a season I know they're kind of it feels like oh they're too self-absorbed you know but it's a season where we need to be available for for them just like we were with their young infants um in some ways the teen years a lot of teen years and toddler years have some similarities they definitely do and if you're in the Tyler years let me tell you that eventually they do sleep that baby does sleep because my teenagers sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep sleep yeah I'm finding the need to keep my schedule more clear than I want to I'm ready to like take the exercise classes again and uh you know take the trips with my friends and those kind of things but my kids still need a very high level of availability so I love that you framed it as death to self well Melissa I could talk Parenting teenagers with you all day but we'll have to finish this conversation another time we're g to point people to your book give us the name of it again is parenting with hope raising teens for Christ in a secular age love it it's got like the sunrise on the cover like a subtle sunrise and I just love it it's like yes raise of Hope when it thinks when we think about parenting our te here's a fun little PS Melissa you are going to be at our true wom 25 Conference in October of 2025 any thoughts on that I'm so excited I can't wait it's gonna be really fun I know I don't know if we're allowed to talk about what we're doing but I'm excited yeah we we can let it out we can tell them we're doing a pre-conference Melissa's gonna lead a pre-conference on studying and teaching God's word and I know grounded sisters that's something near and dear to your heart so those dates are October 2nd and 4th of 25 you may not have them on your calendar yet we just announced them we know we haven't had a conference in a while um and so Melissa's going to be there I'm going to be there porsa is gonna be there Dana's gonna be there Nancy's gonna be there you need to be there so I can't I hope I see you before then Melissa but I'm here to be with you true 25 thanks again for being with us great to see you this morning