Melissa Kruger: Growing Together: Taking Mentoring Beyond Small Talk | FamilyLife Today | Word First

hey guys thanks for joining us on Family Life Today here on YouTube make sure you subscribe you don't want to miss any episode so hit the little bell and you'll get notifications and you won't miss anything and if this encourages you like it and share with your friends yeah share it with your friends yeah welcome to Family Life today it's not just the non-Christian who desperately needs the gospel I need it I need reminders we just desperately need it life on life discipleship more than sometimes I need a far off internet person to tell me that I need the person sitting down at the table with me to say keep running it's worth it [Music] welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most I'm Ann Wilson and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our family life app this is Family Life today [Music] thank you foreign [Music] first of all you know how bad I am I know I don't remember anything but football plays that's all I can remember from college no you're gonna remember this okay I want you to recall and think back to when you first started sharing your faith I do remember that other people what did you feel when you did that scared to death uh-huh totally dependent on God yeah what did it do for your faith oh absolute energized yeah I mean I'm exaggerating a bit I don't think there's anything I've done in my Christian walk that energizes my faith more which would explain why you went into Ministry yeah I mean my probably number one gift is evangelism so I always have a heart for that but yeah you talk about even if my walk is cold or stale or dry I get a chance to share the gospel with somebody it's like you're in a Mountaintop yeah and the same is true for me when I've had the opportunity to tell somebody about Jesus actually it just happened today because I had an opportunity coming off the flight there was a woman who was in tears and she was standing right beside me in the airport and she said hey am I going the right way and I said where are you going and she couldn't continue to talk because she started to cry and then she said this is the first time I've flown without my husband and he just passed away and she just started crying hard and so I held her hand the whole time and I asked her to tell me about him it was sweet because I got to love her hug her pray for her for a second and walk her to where she needed to go but there's something when we do that it feels so right you know right and I like where we're going today because we're going to talk about discipleship and what we both just did was discipleship It's the Great Commission yeah so what are we talking about today we've got a guest sitting over there Melissa Kruger is in the studio Melissa welcome to Family Life today thanks for having me I'm excited because your book is called growing together taking mentoring Beyond small talk and prayer requests what a great title and neither of those are bad things necessarily good point but how do we go a little deeper because I always want to say I mean prayer requests are good yeah it's not a bad thing we want to have this but you have three kids you're married you've written several books directed women's Ministries over the years for 10 years yes yeah so why is this a passion for you yes this book actually the outline of this book was on my computer for probably 10 of those years because I watched women in the church desperately wanting to have deep Community with one another and not knowing how to get there yeah so older women in the church wanted to invest in younger women younger women wanted the investment of older women but they would kind of get together for coffee and they would talk about oh it's been such a busy day did you see the traffic oh this weather you just they'd be surfacey things duck in the small talk and small talk can be a great way to connect but it's not a great way to go deep and so I wrote this book actually to be a springboard for deeper conversations so it's not actually a book that's about discipleship the first two chapters cover that a little bit but it's really a book that I hope women will take read together the content about being a woman who prays and then have conversations about how's your prayer life how have you learned to pray better as you've aged evangelism talking about these things that sometimes we know we want to have those conversations but we just stay in comfortable places yeah but I really want to ask older women in my life hey what are you thankful you did as a mom what do you wish you hadn't done as a mom and sometimes we still know how to get there well it's interesting you know I'm the only guy sitting in the studio but I'm a little bit surprised because I don't know if I represent all men but I think I do we think women go deep you know it's like men don't go deep we talk about surfacey stuff but when we see women even like when you go to a conference they sit together and they start talking right away and we are assuming they're going places we would never go immediately but you're saying a lot of it's just small talk I'll speak for myself in that that can be the most comfortable place to go and man we can go there and we can lay there all day long I was with a group of my friends one time and we were at lunch and we were talking about all those things you said the weather somebody's kids are going to a dance and the dress that their daughter got and how the kids are doing and this is the part of me that's not very subtle sometimes this is terrible and some of you would think I would not be her friend I said hey we've just been talking about nothingness for the last 45 minutes and so they're like I didn't know if they'd be offended but they were really good friends I'm like you guys I want to know how are you doing let's get into some stuff and so yeah no Dave we can stay on the surface Melissa do you think that's true we're experts at it I mean we can stay there like you said a long time because we have a lot of words and so we can just stay in certain places and I realize I'll get to the end of a lunch and finally I'll say tell me what's one thing I've been praying for you this week and then all the real things that I wish we'd been talking about for the past 45 minutes come out and you just see it turns the conversation just a simple question like that can turn the conversation to now I hear what's on my sister's heart in a heavy way that you just don't feel like well where's the right place to say hey my marriage has fallen apart where's the right place to say I'm really concerned about my kids and I don't know what's going on with them where's the right place to say this relationship is broken and I don't know how to fix it with my mother-in-law or my mom or whatever and so sometimes you just feel like you need permission to actually go deep with one another have you had that have you had someone that's mentored you I am so thankful I had two women early in my Christian Life I actually became a Christian I was raised in the church but I really came to hear the gospel and understand it through a high school Ministry called FCA and a woman was a teacher at the school and she ran a large public high school and she was there sharing her faith and that relationship is not a formal mentoring relationship at all but I would just go up to her room and yeah she would tell me all her thoughts on dating and being in the word I mean I can still remember her saying pain you shouldn't be leading others if you're not in the word yourself you know and those things you're as a 16 year old from a teacher you're like okay yes ma'am yeah and then all through college I was mentored by my University staff worker she met with me for three years at the same restaurant I can still remember studying first Peter with her I can still remember doing Ministry with her and what I loved about that relationship she was mentoring me while letting me do ministry so it wasn't just a pouring in it was bringing along and that was really key for me to learn that oh I actually have questions when I'm in the game myself I did that same thing in college where my mentor was meeting with me weekly yeah I had never looked at the Bible I knew nothing and so she's teaching me this and I'm like this is amazing I how to pray how to share your faith how to allow the Holy Spirit to really have access to your life and to be all in and then I would lead this Bible study everything that I led in the Bible study was exactly what she had just taught me and then I would say this didn't work and this did work and it's exactly what Jesus did with his disciples he sends them out and they all came back and talked about it yeah it's interesting we have instances Jesus clearly he taught the five thousand you see that but he was the farthest thing from a mega church pastor you know he didn't have a big internet Ministry obviously he invested in 12 people and I think in the Christian church sometimes we suffer from that I should be doing more yeah and you know Jesus changed the world by investing in 12 men you know and he had there were other people in their circles but he really and then he invested even in three more you know the Transfiguration he had a smaller group up there with him and it changed the world and these are all men who failed him they all made mistakes I mean Peter could not get it right who he was he had to rebuke them he had to you know it was a definite instance of he was trying to teach them and they were sometimes very slow Learners like we all are but it's amazing what that investment did that's what he built the church on those men as they went out as Apostles he built his church on it and it's kind of amazing when you think about oh I don't need to be a teacher of thousands I can be a teacher to six throughout my life and Faithfully do that and who knows what the Lord will do with them now what's that you know sort of look like in post-college life because both your examples for college I have the same example a young man named Bill who is just two years older poured into me taught me discipleship taught me and it's biblical that I need a Paul and a Barnabas and a Timothy someone in front of me someone beside me someone behind me in my Christian walk and yet so many college students who are part of a Ministry you get post college and often we don't live in that kind of rhythms in our life especially moms like you two and Dad's the same thing so why is that yeah and I found it really hard posting College to find mentors um and part of it was lifestyle we moved the first five years of our marriage we moved every single year it's hard to even get to know someone's name much less be mentored when you're moving that much early on and so I found mentoring through books in in that stage and what I try to tell people sometimes is a mentor is a wonderful thing to pray for just like it's a wonderful thing to pray for a spouse or a wonderful thing to pray for children or anything like that but sometimes the answer is no so we might walk through Seasons where for whatever reason we just don't have an older person in our life and the way we would like and that we can trust to the Lord too that he's doing something in our lives at that point because I would say when I was in my mid-20s I desperately wanted just to go to a Bible study because I had these young children my brain didn't feel like it worked properly anymore and I just wanted to go and receive instead I was in a young Church Plant I was one of the older women me too you know and so I was the one teaching the Bible study be nursing on the side teaching babies crying everywhere and that was the Lord's will for me that's how he was shapening and fashioning me at that moment so I always say keep praying for one and be patient as the Lord brings them into your life I also like to say sometimes you can get them a little bit here and a little bit there so I would have one older woman that I would always go to with my mothering questions Christian mothering questions I'd have another woman that I might go to about her prayer life um and I would just take the opportunities as they came it didn't look as formal as it did in college and part of that is you have a lot of time in college you sure do that's why I always say to people don't view going off to college as a neutral time that you can just live however you want it's not just that oh you didn't party and drink and do all these things it's you might miss on so much great discipleship you think it was just oh it didn't really matter I'll do the Christian thing when I get out and have kids or something but all those years of investment I'm so thankful I had from college me too they shaped me yes and I think they can shape our kids and to even pray that our kids will experience that for sure last night I was with a group of women like 130 women with this ministry called heard and we had a panel hey you better explain the herd thing it sounds like it could go one of two ways a herd of women women we named it actually these young women in their 20s and 30s named it because they said women are longing to be heard and seen not only from God but from each other they long to be heard by one another and seen and so on the panel you have from teenagers to 25 and then we have young moms we have someone that's divorced and single now in her 40s we had a mom with six kids of all teenagers and into the young 20s and then we had a woman that's 60 and she has a lot of grandkids and it was so fascinating to me as each woman shared the struggle of this stage of life and also the victory and I'm telling you every single woman was crying because as each woman shared her struggle of maybe like not like I don't know my identity in this phase and this is what a 22 year old saying like I don't know what Jesus says about me and then you have the 55 year old woman saying me too like that's me and then you have the woman that's been divorced and in so much pain and shame and she feels like she somehow failed and so you have other women that are saying me too and the mom whose teenagers are figuring out am I gonna walk with Jesus or am I not and another one of those sons that she had was in the hallway when a school shooter shot his best friend and so you now you're struggling with fear anxiety and I looked around the room and these women are crying because for the first time people are voicing what they're feeling and then you bring in scripture and you bring in somebody that says I've been there and I understand we want to flock to those people why don't we have it in the church as much as we want what do you think I think we're afraid me too I think older women sometimes can get trapped in one I don't know how to do that I don't know how to invest in younger women and here was the other lie I'm too old nobody wants to listen to me anymore yes yes I've heard that so many times that exact thing and or they look back at their life and they're like I messed up I failed and so I'm not good enough yes and I'm like oh that's what we need that's what I said we need you because you learn so much from that mistake yes call back to us tell us what you learned through not obeying God sometimes you know the scripture's full of the negative example too that's what we see all over we don't need perfect mentors there are none for one but we we just need women who want to point us to Jesus the example I give at the start of the book about what mentoring is is this image that I remember from my childhood my my dad I came out upon him one day and he was tying this one small tree that was all bent over he was tying it to this bigger Oak he was tethering them together so that it would grow straight this tree limb I think we kids have been jumping off of it like bouncing on it and all these things so he was tying it to this bigger tree and that big tree was just standing beside the younger tree yeah and they were tethered together and it was helping it grow straight so the strength that it had from years of I'm in North Carolina so we have ice storms all the time years of withstanding all these storms and hurricanes and all the things we all get it had stood firm and it just Stood Beside providing strength and I like that image because this bigger tree actually doesn't make the younger tree grow I thought that was so good in that illustration yeah it just it takes the pressure off you Jesus is growing his church he has a plan for his people God is working to conform the that person into the image of a son I'm just standing beside I'm just offering the strength the Lord has given me to someone else and when I can bring it down to that I'm much less intimidated um because it's scary to me when someone asks will you Mentor me in fact when this book came out a friend walked up to me and she said would you Mentor me I was like you don't need me you're you're fine you know and we we think that I think everyone's fine here's what I can think I got nothing yes I got nothing girl yes but they must see something in you Melissa for that girl to come up and say it yeah and it doesn't have to be perfect you know I think we think we have to have all the answers sometimes it's saying I don't know what to do but I'm going to pray with you and I'm going to sit here beside you and I'll be here when all the questions come and I'm going to be that listening ear when you need it and hopefully somewhere along the way I'll have a verse that I can remember that might help or something but a lot of it is just walking side by side uh you know I've been the chaplain Alliance since I was 28 in fact now I say it I remember at the time somebody said you're the youngest chaplain in the NFL and I had no idea of course that was a long time ago but here's what happened when I was about 40 42 43 I thought I'm too old and I went to one of our players who is part of my Ministry he's a number one draft pick of our team and his name was Luther Ellis and I led him to Christ and I'm mentoring this guy and I said to Luther I'll never forget I said dude be totally honest I know you'll be truthful with me am I too old to relate to the guys and the players and I'm good with that if I am we'll find another person and I'll move on and I said I think my days are done being a chaplain because you know when I started I was up here I actually played against some of these guys in college and now I'm like their dad's age and he looks at me I'll never forget and he goes dude these are your best years like what do you mean he goes now we see you as a mentor we don't want to appear we want a mentor we want somebody's lived a little bit and is a dad and raising kids we want somebody ahead of us that can pour into us please don't quit I think your best years are ahead and I would to me that was a shock I'm like really and of course I did it for many more years but that's what I hear you saying yeah the Next Generation our kids in our grandkids ages if there's anything I've seen is they are looking for mothers and fathers because they often haven't had them especially in the spiritual world so if there's an older woman listening right now what would you say to her she could be 40 something and she feels like her days are done to remind her no your days are not done yeah I would just say if you know Jesus you have the world to give someone if you've known Jesus five more minutes than I have then you have five more minutes to give me and you're giving me the greatest gift because what do we hear in his presence is fullness of joy and so when I give what I know about Jesus to you whatever I've learned whatever has been revealed to me through his word and by a spirit I mean that's treasure I mean what an inheritance I mean that's the inherence I want to leave my kids but that's the aroma I want to leave everywhere I go is this Aroma of Christ and there's something the world needs that yeah I mean the non-Christian needs that you know what the Christian needs it too because I think we sometimes think we're just persuading the non-Christian but yeah the book of Hebrews is all about persuading the Christian Jesus is better and don't give up don't give up and so you know it's not just the non-Christian who desperately needs the gospel I need it I need reminders keep running the race keep keep after it it's worth it I'm a little bit farther and I'm looking at the view and I can tell you it's good and I need someone to tell me that and we we just desperately need it life on life discipleship more than sometimes I need a far off internet person to tell me that I need the person sitting down at the table with me to say keep keep running it's worth it I remember the first time I heard Bill bright talk about the Great Commission in Matthew 28 and go and make disciples of all Nations and I'll never forget because I was young I was 19 I thought me me and yet something arose in me that thought God could use me with my messed up past and all the wrong that I've done and it was not pretty and the abuse that I've gone through God could use me and the amazing thing is is he changed me when you're discipling someone he changes you when you're doing it you think like oh I'm giving this gift to this person but as we said at the beginning Dave something happens in us because we were created to share Christ we were created to share the good news and I think you're right Melissa we can sit in church as consumers and we get filled up but there has to be an outlet to that and when you give it away it changes us I just add I think one of the first places to give it away is your own kids yes those are your number one disciples so Mom whatever you're getting give Dad whatever you're learning pass it on and I'm telling you you will be energized as you watch your legacy become Godly yeah I used to teach high school at high school math and actually I would put kids in different groups of some kids who knew it really well would be in a group with maybe a kid who didn't know it as well because I knew when the kid who knew it well had to teach someone else he learned it better of course and so the reality is you know we often think the lessons we're teaching our children are about our children learning it sometimes I was like as a mom I'd be like oh this is for me Isn't it what I'm having to deal with with my child is actually the Lord teaching me and the same is true in spiritual mothering or mentoring or whatever we call it we think it might be about helping the other person see when it's God wanting us to see a truth more clearly and so it's it's a wonderful privilege to get to walk alongside people because that's why it's called growing together we're both growing as we're in this process of walking toward Jesus together that's Melissa Krueger with David and Wilson on Family Life Today stick around and has an encouraging word for women in just a minute but first like we just heard Melissa's book is called growing together taking mentoring Beyond small talk and prayer requests you can get a copy for yourself or for a friend at familylifetoday.com or by calling 800-358-6329 that's 800 f as in family L as in life and then the word today at Family Life We Believe one-on-one relationships like mentoring are so vital I know in my life some of the biggest change has happened because one person who's a little farther down the road than me took the time to speak into my life you can help equip men and women and teens to become mentors when you join us by giving financially at family life and all this week with your donation we want to send you a copy of Bob lepine's latest book it's called build a stronger marriage it's a great book to go through as a couple or maybe even with another couple you could Mentor at the same time that's our thanks to you when you give this week at familylifetoday.com and when you call with your donation at [Music] 800-358-6329 that's 800 f as in family L as in life and then the word today all right back to Anne with an encouragement for women to step out in faith and be a mentor [Music] and I think as women think about this like why does this matter because God wants to use you right where you are I know some of you are like I have no time but just look around you'll be surprised when you open your eyes of just maybe someone's by you that you can love them you can ask the question how can I pray for you I like your suggestion too Melissa is find somebody that you like how they pray or bear a great mom or man they know their Bible just ask them for coffee and see what happens God wants to use us and he wants to equip us to make disciples [Music] tomorrow Dave and Ann will be joined by Jordan Raynor to talk about how to get back our time with all the distractions that come nope man exactly well that's tomorrow on behalf of David and Wilson I'm Shelby Abbott we'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life today Family Life Today is a production of family life a crew Ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most [Music]