Three Faith Pillars for Parenting Teens :: Melissa Kruger [Ep 457] | Word First

[Music] hey y'all welcome back to the don't mom alone podcast I'm your host teather mcfan and this is the place where I get to walk alongside you and connect you with people and resources so you know that you don't mom alone and in this episode number 457 I'm welcoming to the show Melissa Krueger and who I am is someone who's made a lot of mistakes myself and so why would I expect Perfection from you when I am a beggar of Grace myself and so when I can remember who I am then I'm going to rightly be able to walk with my kid when they make really bad mistakes and be able to say hey let's talk about this I want you to know I love you Melissa is the vice president of discipleship programming at the Gospel Coalition she's also a speaker and an author of so many books today we're talking about parenting with hope raising teens for Christ in a secular age her newest book we talk through what parents desire for their kids and how the culture can pull us into achieving and focusing on image and on belonging and how she starts with the basics the foundations of faith and reminding us as parents that we do have influence at home and we lean into specifically God's word prayer and church and what I appreciated she has a real practical tip on how her family manages prayer and moves Beyond praying for a good day I don't know if anyone else can relate to that also just the challenges of church and why Church matters in our families the actual going to church and so I hope that this conversation is encouraging to you I appreciate that Melissa is a wise Mentor she also has her feet on the ground she was a former high school math teacher at a large public school so she understands the challenges she is not too far removed from those pre-teen and teen years so let's get right to it here we go Melissa thank you for coming on the don't mom alone podcast I'm glad to be here so we don't have to mom alone that's really good yeah that's what I tell them don't you mom alone and I love that yeah so I've seen your name around the interwebs all these years and you've written a bazillion book books I'm not an exaggerator you could actually all go count there's a bazillion kids Bible studies prayer guides I mean youall name it she's written it so thank you which is humorous as we were discussing because my major was math so why why right you and you're a scientist why right from the kids if our kids take circular routes so did we you know this is exactly right discuss that amongst yourselves everyone what was your major in college and are you doing anything with it I mean SEC yes in a way right no degree is not without use in some way um but yes a math major education you taught in the public schools and now you do discipleship you're a coordinator for the gospel collation is that still your role yes yeah okay yes well yes I work I do discipleship programming for for the Gospel Coalition so it's a little bit different of a rule but you're right you do use all these things and in a lot of ways all the Teen development was part of this book you know I mean so it was really great to get to learn on other people's teenagers before I had my own that is nice see I worked with zero to three year olds like because I eventually did speech therapy and that was really helpful in those years and now I'm at a loss and so this is why I need your help because how old are your kids now I have a 20 three a 20-year-old and a 17year old yeah and so very just just a yeah very simar I'll take it if you're oldest was one day older than mine I will take whatever wisdom that day gave you that I do not have well the reality is I don't know if you feel this I can remember the like season one season behind but like if a two-year-old mom came to me for advice right now I'm like I don't know what two-year-olds do I can't remember that far I can only remember you know what my kids just went through that's where my brain is these days well it probably is I don't know I'm guessing it's different I'm guessing cuz even like right when our moms would come try to help us and they're like you need to put them on their stomach and we're like no no they told us not to do that that's very bad it's like yeah there's always these shits they probably back to their stomach now I mean you know I'm sure they're not but I don't want to tell went wrong I tried to freak out a bunch of moms at a talk once and I was like well you all have heard that those little screw caps on the top of the squeeze baby food are super dangerous and they all like the look on their face like I said no I just made that up because it's so dumb there's just constantly something that someone is telling us not to do or to do and I think that's what I appreciate about your book is it's like let's get back to the basics okay for Generations there were just no internet there was no like the Spock guy he was the first parenting book right and kids lived yeah and they grew into adults yeah they somehow survived and Faith was passed on and I'm just yeah or else Christianity wouldn't have I don't think made it you know exactly exactly the family has been God's means of just transferring to the Next Generation for generations and yet we think our current cultural moment whatever cultural moment is we probably think is the worst I mean because I do remember growing up I don't know if you remember this you we were like oh what if there's a new nuclear war I mean that was the thing you did drills for that like hiding Russia was so scary yeah yeah like it's going to help to hide under a table but that's what they had us doing back in the day there's always something every generation's fearful of I think is the reality I mean I tell my friends I'm like if Jesus could live in the time of Rome I think I'm G to be okay that's right and that things were fearing are a little different than I mean if you if you raised kids in the depression you'd be fearful of like where going to find bread next week I mean you know like truly um different types of fears ours are a little bit different um and they're still real I mean they really are fears um but I just think it's important sometimes for us to always remember every generation had fears as they've gone through these years with their kids it's really good yeah well I saw a little Instagram real because that's where my information comes from and uh it was a pastor actually and he was saying you know if I asked you parents what do you desire for your child what would you say and then he said and if I asked your kids what you desire for them I think they would give me the real answer and if anything they say is other than my parents desire for me to know God it's a Cod red situation it's a re-evaluating all the things situation your schedule how what you talk about what you watch and I was like oh my gosh so I asked my 12-year-old this morning o that's a scary question to be successful yeah and then as we talked and I was like you know what Knox I am sorry that we have given you any other message than our desires for you to know God and it was so interesting he kind of started tearing up and he was like yeah when I get to heaven God's not going to ask me what I got in Latin in sixth grade and I said no buddy no but we can so like I feel like we can so get caught up the teachers are emailing theyve grades have dropped below a certain level the coaches are wanting better performance like it's not even just coming from us no no the so talk to us about this pressure that pulls the parental heart from that core desire of I want my kids to know God yeah yeah well you know what's interesting what you just said when my daughter was 17 my oldest was 17 and she was getting ready to go off to college I actually broke my ankle running the real Stellar so I'm sitting at home by myself and I um ended up I was thinking yeah you have this kind of freak out mom moment of have I taught you anything you're getting ready to leave like do you know how to clean a toilet do you know anything and then I was like and have I told you that the most important thing is just that you love Jesus like have I really made that clear and I actually wrote this little poem that morning because you know I was alone and I had a moment and it became a children's book called Wherever You Go I want you to know and um I I need to send it to you for your for your son because the whole message is I have a big dream for you wherever you go what whatever you do um I pray you love Jesus with all all of your heart whatever you do that's the right place to start and it I actually wrote it to my teen but you know it it's something I wish it's a message I'd had wish IID had when they were two not just for them I wish I'd had the message for my own heart to constantly remind me of the goal the goal of all of life is to know God and so am I living that each day in my home because every day every other goal tries to supersede that one right I mean just getting like the kids dress can supersede that one some days because that feels like the goal we just got clothes on or whatever and got out the door and the clothes like I had one spill a chocolate drink on his shirt I'm like well I better clean that up because people are going to think we're just pigs over here yes like don't clean our shirts you got to got to brush your hair I mean it's like yes it does feel like there's a lot of energy towards these ideals or not even ideals like pressures it feels like pressure yes it does and then it's added like look how ramped up our society is we have parents who are literally paying somehow to get their kids SAT scores rigged and these are wealthy parents these are not parents who need money for their kids need success for they're already successful and and there's this whole College Scandal about getting kids in so it's we don't feel crazy it it's what our world is promoting all around us that to be a good parent your teen has to be successful in all these ways and what an immense pressure you know what an immense pressure that it's like the whole world's watching rather than kind of just saying it's okay to be ordinary and maybe it's a better life I mean like look at famous people it's rough out there for them they're chased down they're yeah they got a lot going on like that's kind of a rough life when you really step back and say if I want them to just live a life whatever they're doing that honors God that's the blessed life yeah and we we we're buying into I think a lot of times the world's definition of blessing and it it's so often you know doesn't it just come up empty and we spend our lives chasing that which isn't really going to satisfy us and so we do that so profoundly through our children and we need to be the adult in the room saying hey don't don't listen to all the messages out in there and and I have to be fighting it myself I mean so it's me fighting at first and then encouraging my teen and being able to remind them hey these simple things you know knowing god going to church having faith having friends who are you know supporting you in that this this is a rich life um trust me on this and you know they may they may take some detours on that road but I think eventually a lot of kids come back around and they're like hauh Mom and Dad really were right about some of these things and I think some of that messaging like if I'm so we have Boys in three different schools neat um yeah if I'm with moms now this isn't this is a major generalization but I what I've seen is if I'm with moms who have kids at the same school the same stage as my boys these conversations and I'll list off some of the idols you mentioned scholarship affluence sports activities approval acceptance like the social the achieving the image the belonging I will leave those conversations feeling worse and feeling like oh my gosh I'm behind I did not know that we were supposed to get on some weight list 30 years ago for whatever if I'm hanging out with our current small group where the parents a lot of them actually have kids younger than mine but are in different school systems and different like there's no comparison in regards to that I feel like they helped Point me back to is god king of their story and can he work through any challenge or any situation or even if they don't get into whatever school or I feel like they point my eyes back to what's true and away from the idols have you noticed that to be true for your story like how did you protect yourself from your heart getting pulled okay if you've been listening to episodes I've done with Cynthia lately you know she was mocking me for my special breakfast with yogurt and all the seeds well I'm trying to watch what I eat and I know this goes in waves with me but what's really helping me get the products that I'm needing is Thrive Market not only does it help me get the SE seeds for my breakfast but also the snacks uh the sweets Lily sweets specifically I have ordered the dark chocolate peanut butter bar and I cannot wait and they're give me uh seaweed organic seaweed so yummy also my beauty products a cure is a great brand that thrive Market carries and I get it for significant discount in this order I just placed I saved 20% off of all of these products where I'm trying to get the highest quality ingredients great sourcing methods restricted um like in clean categories what's so great too is it keeps uh track of what I've ordered in the past so it's really quick to find the things I need and I can filter so if I'm looking for ketogenic snacks I can look up ketogenic I can go to snacks or Pantry supplies or if you want low sugar Alternatives organic kids snacks whatever you are looking for right now they make it so much easier with a few clicks and uh not only do I save time like I said I save money I save 20% on this order on average I can save over 30% they even have a deals page that changes every day so you can always find your favorite Brands there bonus bonus when you join Thrive Market you're also helping a family in need with their one forone membership matching program so when you join Thrive Market they give a membership so save time and money and Shop Thrive market today go to thrivemarket.com dma for 30% off your first order plus a free $60 gift that's th r i v market.com dma thrivemarket.com dma and you know I think one of the most helpful things too is to talk to older parents um too younger or older you know the younger just aren't in it yet but I feel like what's good about the younger is they can remind me of their story yes like when I was a they would say when I was a teen I was X Y and Z or I thought I was going to do and it's like oh yeah God's bigger yeah that's exactly right and I think it is really hard when we're in it and we're just hearing and you feel like you're a hamster on a wheel and you've got to catch up with the person next to you who has their kid in the SAT tutor and their son in baseball tutor like pitching all this stuff I I'll be honest one of the most helpful resources to me was a book called range it's not a Christian book it's just a it's a it's a really interesting book it's it he covers a lot of professional athletes and you professional people who did amazing things most of them had very normal childhoods meaning they played a lot of different sports um he talks about Duke Ellington age six gave up the piano never went back to it till 17 and then he never learned to write music or read music but guess what he became an amazing jazz piano you it gave me this Freedom a little bit to step back and be like you know what I don't determine everything my child will be and that's that helpful oh yeah actually I'm not King of the universe there's another one of those um and so it it let me rest a little bit like oh I can actually maybe enjoy this child rather than feel the need to curate this child I think that's a uh yeah such an awful word to say but like I think we feel pressured to make sure we put them in the right environment and do all the things just so they come out just how they're supposed to and you know what I look back with every one of my kids they are who they are right what I can shape more I mean so I have a kid who's a nurse I have a kid who's literally an aerospace engineer major and then I have a daughter who writes her own songs we have no musical bone in our body yeah like it's crazy there are three very different child I don't think I did anything in what they're actually doing with their life but when I look look at their character they can all apologize they all know how to say I'm sorry well they all know how to own their behavior they're actually kind to each other they know how to pray for one another those are the things we can shape I can't really shape whether or not they're going to be the best basketball player right I can't determine their height I can't determine things like that but I can say we're GNA be a Praying family yeah I can't and those things get missed right like we we missed the important things because we're chasing the things that we really have little control over well I appreciate it like when it comes to a faith shaping perspective it's how your book starts it's the foundation the narrowing in on the three God's word prayer and church felt like a relief to me I was like oh thank you it's not like there's thousands of things and I've messed up and also the freedom that we could do all these things and we we don't decide that they're going to come to Salvation And I did do a whole episode on like what is my responsibility and my child's salvation y'all can go listen to that if you need Freedom there but I think that it's been a challenge for me to know that we did have regular Bible reading as part of our family culture and as the teens and the schedules and the chaos it shifted but what's so interesting is like randomly I'll see that they've picked up U version I'm like well maybe it wasn't lost lost yeah you know what I mean like and maybe it's better if it's choose their own choosing and I'm not for forcing I don't know well talk to us about like these habits that we have modeled but we're not seeing them in our pre-teens or teens yeah here here's the biggest thing your example is soaking into them you know them seeing you do things and the fact that your home has had those things you know I actually never told any of my kids you need to spend time with the Lord never really said that um and yet all of them as they entered into you know the teen years I started noticing they were reading their Bibles on their own it wasn't a big Fanfare I never said this is something you should do on your own I think they just were like huh I'm kind of interested in it I want to know the Bible you and and that's it's their own right it's not because Mom's forcing me I'm not giving you a gold star for this you need to take responsibility for your your faith doesn't mean I'm not still taking a church doesn't mean I'm not so we're doing it as a family but I can't make them interested no you know I can't yeah the holy spirit is going to have to wake up them to be really interested we can keep talking about the Bible I can do that I can keep reading it I can keep you know bringing wisdom from it into our conversation so they're going to get it in my home but I've I've loved watching the Lord really do that and convict them of their need for that in their own life it's been almost sweeter because it wasn't forced yeah if if that makes sense so I think we have Bibles around we you know they're in our home we give them to them you know at birthdays or whatever and yeah if I'm gonna buy an app yeah let's buy U verion or let's buy dwell or whatever these apps are I'll buy those yeah Mom Mom will do those but yeah I think um at some point they've got to make in the teen years they're going to have to start making those choices for themselves talk to us about how we help move our kids and again I'm sure it's modeling but from praying to just have a good day like more self-interest prayers to praying for the needs of others praying for yeah yeah one thing I love that we actually did I made up these cards because I wanted us to pray for one another as a family so we would meet for prayer at breakfast I know people have said how' you get your kids down the table at breakfast or whatever and my my biggest parenting secret is kids only know the home that they're growing up in they don't know it's crazy yeah they just know that's what we do and so and they this is like 10 minutes you know so 10 like whatever time I think it was like 7:30 everyone knew to be at The Breakfast Table we didn't even eat breakfast most time we were just at the table because we didn't get that done but we would have a I had a card for each day of the week there were five of us in our family so yeah Monday we prayed for maybe John Tuesday we prayed for Emma when you know and each kid got to share their prayer requests but then we also had a person in our life we prayed for like our pastor or or principal or our president or whatever we prayed for some leaders in in our community um the third thing we always prayed for missionaries um like so we'd have different missionaries yes so the kids got to hear about what's going on in Nepal because we had a missionary there we had a missionary in Thailand so the kids are kind of getting to hear that and then the last thing we prayed for was just maybe people in our Lives who had hard things going on like a cancer diagnosis or you know people in their community so what that helped and I just wrote the cards out this took 10 minutes to do write the cards out Monday we would pray for this person Tuesday this person so over time the kids learned oh these are the missionaries we support you and they're getting to pray for them they're learning that oh we pray for our President we pray for governing officials we do all these things but then we also pray for each other that's important too but it wasn't just each other and so it was such a wonderful time to be able to teach while participating this is how you pray in in your world and I can tell you it didn't take long to do we miss days all the time like look I was not yelling at everybody it's time for prayer good we didn't do that like but it was just the general habit I always say shoot for patterns not Perfection what's the pattern of your home and the pattern of my home my kids would say yeah we prayed in the morning before school wasn't perfect you know I mean there are always day days when somebody spills chocolate milk and you're running late and whatever but generally we had a plan and that helped us have patterns so that's one thing I'm big on is just trying something doesn't have to be perfect but it can lead to really helpful patterns in the home and I'm G to ask a real practical because someone's going to email me okay yeah You' got the card you've got Monday's card it has one of your family members names it has the person whether it's a principal or president or whatever and then it has the missionary on the Monday card and that's always what the Monday card is so it might have Melissa yep President right and the Nepal missionary and was there one more and our friend yeah and our like whatever might be going on or like maybe there was a tornado you know so we pray for current events I just had current events and then you got a Tuesday card and it's a different family memb name okay that's John and then Wednesday's Kate you know and then yeah like and well it's great and then a different person would just pray for the card so one person would pray so let's say it's my day and they're praying for me Kate might pray for me and then tomorrow um John might pray for Emma and then the next day I might pray for John you know whatever so it was kind of beautiful simp not the super long thing yeah no that's great and um I Heard a quote that's from GK Chesterton who said if it's worth doing it's worth doing poorly it's true um okay so then let's also talk about church because you said God's word prayer and Church These are the three pillars that you kind of for like the foundation of this Faith stool and so Church has changed a little bit in the last four years and I know what it's the part it plays in our life but talk to us about it what what have you seen as you're discipling and coordinating all this programming yeah I would just say um I think it's really tough in our world today one because there's this whole online World it feels like oh I can get a sermon anytime and I think we've missed what church is way more than the sermon church is oh I'm standing in the back line and I reach down and help a little girl wash her hands you know or whatever like church is serving in the nursery church is passing out the bulletins church is the whole experience of being with other people who love Jesus and worshiping him together it's so much bigger than a sermon I think when we think of church just being oh I'm getting information it's not a class but it's actually an experience and you know what one thing found out in my research I was really encouraged to see this is that church has a Hu profound effect on kids mental well-being H you know one study showed I actually have it here it was the Harvard Chan School of Public Health and it found that people who attended weekly religious services or practiced daily prayer in youth reported Greater Life satisfaction and positivity in their 20s and then it said that people who attend a religious services at least weekly in childhood and Adolescence were approximately 18% more likely to report higher happiness 18% that's a big you know if we had a pill that gave you 18% happiness moms would be lining up for it just going to weekly church service yeah how encouraging is that you know when when we think about it and the excuses I heard preco for like parents of younger children was we don't want to disrupt nap time yeah too hard to get everyone they're struggling with separation anxiety it's like we decide that they're the challenges of it are not worth doing and then I think also yes you're right with the whole online and then it's like I've also heard with sports on Sunday oh yeah yeah it's really hard I'm like so mad about it with the sports yeah if it's a YMCA League you won't get the Sunday morning games but pretty much every other League it's a thing it's really tough it's really tough and I just want to say I hope someone will listen it is highly unlikely your child will play in college it is really unlikely they will do professional sports just the statistics are terrible as a thing to Bet Your Life on but your child will need church for the rest of their life so you've got to ask yourself when you have a teen what am I preparing them for I am not actually preparing them for professional career and the likelihood to get a scholarship like take the money you spent on the sports and put it in a fund it'll get you more money than a scholarship I mean I have a nephew he probably will play professional sports but they make Church a very high priority and it's like yes if they're really talented they're really talented they're gonna be okay too okay that's right because they'll still want them the if the kids's that talented it's not going to matter that they they were in church on Sunday the coach is like that kid that kid we need you know and so we they're that amazing with Springtime approaching I'm feeling the need to declutter more than ever and I have been working in the kitchen I've been getting rid of some things that we don't use anymore and some tools that are actually maybe causing us more harm like our cookwar that had the non-stick surface that's now flaking off I'm really thankful that a couple of pieces I can keep are my carway home non-toxic kitchen I have a skillet I have a little saucepan and what's great like I mentioned they are non-toxic they're made without any materials like pfas PTFE pfoa I don't even know what these are but they're hard to pronounce chemicals and they are not in carway products also the Ceramics naturally slick surface means we don't have to use tons of oil or butter to cook and so you can get slide off the pan eggs my boys can cook steaks they can cook um mac and cheese let's be honest and and they're cute real cute I chose this like coraly pink color which I love it makes me happy every time I get them out uh y'all if you spend a lot of time in the kitchen get some things that make you happy okay carway it's just just me that loves them 65,000 people have rated five stars for their carway Kitchen products so it's time to try it for yourself okay visit careway home.com dma to take advantage of a limited time offer to get 10 % off your next purchase this deal is exclusive for our listeners so visit carway home.com dma or use the code dma at checkout it's spelled c a r a w y careway home.com dma use that code dma carway it's nontoxic cookware made Modern I think consistency is hard for me but I have been thankful to been consistent with my hair routine I have been using using vegamore and it's been super easy because they sent me their grow hair serum and I've been able to put it on after I wash and condition my hair and before I dry it and they have this great like little dropper that I can just drop a little bit onto my scalp massage it in and go and I have noticed that my hair is feeling already thicker I've heard that it's going to take at least 3 months and I think I'm in month two so we'll see if yall see pictures and see if I look my hair looks fuller and healthier I even asked my hairdresser and she noticed a difference I also appreciate that they have a monthly subscription of grow so vegamore is even easier to be consistent when you sign up for the monthly subscription you can get one bottle or three bottles and you save more when you do the subscription you don't run low on products fun fact vegamore sells one bottle of grow hair serum every 15 seconds on their website that's how good this stuff is so elevate your hair Wellness routine this year with vegamore for limited time get 20% off your first subscription order by going to vore.com dma use the code dma at checkout that's v g m o r.com dma code dma to save 20% on your first order v g m o Ur r.com dma code dma I'd love to talk through let's say your kids don't like the Children's Program or I've shared with you there was a season that two of my boys wanted to go to a different church on Sunday and we were like well maybe that's a privilege of high schools that you can but we're not going to switch church as a family because we don't feel pulled to change churches so talk through what have you seen about that like what guidance because I know not every family is the same and but the whole switching churches phenomenon that's happening a lot yeah yeah and I I think what you did is really wise I think when when teens get to that age and they start having desire look they're still going to church right I mean they're so that that's the big thing I think you can say our family is GNA be a church that goes to a family that's going to go to church on Sundays that's the priority I think it's a beautiful thing when they can be in a church where you know the little old lady who knew them at two still knows them at when they're awkward at 17 or whatever and still remember I that's a beautiful thing and that's that's a dying thing it's so sad to me what a beautiful thing that some people remember that first Sunday you were in church that's a gift of community to give our kids it's hard because it's not just hard it's hard for so many reasons people move I mean it's just it's just tough yeah but if you can have it I say shoot for it that's beautiful but also would say um there's a right place for kids to start learning new churches you know we um we take our kids to church when we're on vacation and that's always interesting because sometimes we'll go to different Traditions than our own um so I my kids were in a church where they were baptized as infants well we spent one Easter at a Baptist Church and you know it's full immersion baptism and they're like you know looking at what's happening up there you know to them this is just crazy there there's a big water and the person's going in they watch Jesus Revolution they didn't know what to think they were like wow wow and it was and it led to these great questions and actually now my two college students are Baptist churches in in college I'm just but you know as a mom I'm just like oh you're going to church praise the Lord that's what I want I want you to being in church and so sometimes seeing different expressions of how churches do things is actually really good for them because we're not all the same right good friends who worship at Baptist Churches Presbyterian churches Anglican churches they're my friends you know they love Jesus but we're all at different different places and I think it's good for kids to experience some of that and something might fit them better um than the church they're in and so I think that's part of being a teenager and kind of Finding Your Own Way in the faith journey and hopefully you know maybe they'll come back yeah that's what happened yeah they did and I think it was a lot of what you just said at the beginning where you were like the older people that knew them there's a belonging which is the actual belonging that they're seeking in these social Idols like you said the idol of approval and acceptance It's like we could get that and I think it's like we may belong to people that we wouldn't choose which is family I may not choose my family but they love me and I belong with them and there's Comfort there and I think sometimes that idolatry of being with the exact person I would choose is like there's no rubbing there's no forc to be uncomfortable anyway yeah that's right and and teens are by definition a little bit they want to be with other teens yeah and that's developmental at some level so the fact that they were like oh the cool youth groups down on the street I'm like you're going to a cool youth group it's not like you're going to a beer crawl I mean so that's fine like I mean like we sometimes as moms have to step back and be like yeah okay that's in my range of good so go to the cool youth group that's fine and just accept you know that they might have a season where they want to explore a different church that's okay you know experimenting with drugs not okay I mean so you have to have your places that you're gonna have definite lines but but let's talk about that let's say that because this is teen life all right lot more freedom and you talk about this the transition you had to like allow for the freedom and you allow for the freedom and they make some real dumb decisions talk to us about the kind of homes we want to offer our kids in that season of the teen years what are priorities we should have yeah I think when our kids make really bad decisions what's unfortunate and I think this is true about all of us our first instinct is actually self-reflection what did I do wrong why are they making this Choice I'm a failure I and then you step back I'm just asking us to all step back from that moment it becomes all about me you know it's it's all something that I'm worried I did wrong or something like that rather than what does my child need from me in this moment curiosity why did my child do this have I really taken the time rather than how could you have done this like that's sometimes what you shutting down everything in reaction do you think yeah and so I would say um it's a really good question maybe maybe ask this question to your teen do you feel like you can fail in front of me and I think that's an important thing that they feel like if I fail and this was one of my biggest goals as a mom if they feel big I'm gonna get teared up talking about it I want to know that I I'm on that call list that you want I'm going to be your phone a friend not your friend that doesn't doesn't have expectations of you I'm not but I just want to make sure you know you can call me and that is rooted in a deep understanding of who I am and who I am is someone who's made a lot of mistakes myself and so why would I expect Perfection from you when I am a beggar of Grace myself and so when I can remember who I am then I'm going to rightly be able to walk with my kid when they make really bad mistakes and be able to say hey let's talk about this I want you to know I love you I want you to know I'm here for you and I want you to know this wasn't okay you know what H you know is certain choices I mean it's different if they accidentally like getting a wreck or something you know they're different things but if they're actively choosing something that's bad but but also to be like why did you think this was the decision you you made um and I think being a little more Curious and asking questions more than we give answers could help a lot of us as parents we would do that with our friends right like if friend made a big mistake I don't think you'd come to me with a lecture because what what it doesn't actually identify you you would just come with compassion and love for your friend and so I've tried to think a lot how would I respond to another person's teen who came to me and said this and then try to do the same for mine and let them let let me I hope I'm a safe place for failure for them it's good that's really good and I love like you go through acceptance availability affection like it can be hard to show the grace and the warmth and the welcome when they maybe aren't the warmest and the most gracious and they have notes in their phone and all all the ways they will parent differently um it's hard to be that home and it's like being that soft place to land I just feel like I needed mentors like you said mom's farther ahead to tell me like just be a marshmallow just not a marshmallow in that I like roll over and die like like be that soft place to land for them and don't take it personally again that whole identity I think if we've done our work to identify in Christ and not in our kids yeah man it's tough isn't it it's tough I think um I have to be so rooted in the Lord's love for me that I can pour out when I'm not feeling it for my kid right like when they are just I mean that's what I remember I mean boys are a special thing and you've got you're you're you're doing four you're raising four of them but I can remember you know my son gets in the car and I'm hey John how was your day yeah and and in that moment the Temptation would be how dare you talk to me that like I'm your mother whatever and and by God's grace and that I looked at him and I was like I do not speak grunt he just laughed and we both laughed we learn I learned if I can just I love the marshmallow term absorb a little bit of their teenager they're just it's a developmental stage if he's 25 and grunning at me okay we're gonna have a conversation I I think sometimes in the teen years we lose the relationship because we're so trying to get them to act like an adult they still aren't quite an adult they're on the journey but they're going to it is really a stage some of this is going to outgrow and you just want to keep the doors open on communication um because you know they're just struggling and they can be hard to be around I mean they really can they slam doors and they act like I mean you're acting yeah or they're just this all day and then you're like hey can you can you pick up your socks I mean like I did not just ask you to go like cut off your finger I asked you to pick up some socks it's not that hard but you know and I think I think the more we can try to be humorous about it you or whatever while still holding them to expectations the better but it's tough and that's why we need to pray for them and us that we can well but you're not alone mom if this is true of your life you're not doing something wrong and I think you're right to say we expect them to be adults but I think we also we expect them to be adults with responsibilities and reactions but also the same like squishy cute oh they adore us like kids and you don't get both you don't get both you don't get both and there's a lot to just just let go I mean I one of my friends was just she was so frustrated about her child's room and and I this is her first teenager and I was the mother and I sent her a picture that afternoon I said this is what my daughter's room looks like right now I just want you to know when I say just let it pass I'm not lying and she was like that's terrible I mean it was a wreck and I was like I've just learned it's not worth it yeah like she's goingon to go to college what I've had the with the benefit of the last child is I've watched the other ones go off and they actually have to live with people like themselves and they're like oh this is what a refrigerator looks like when no one cleans it and they they see that mold grows and they they see oh this is what happens when my roommate doesn't do their dishes they have to bear the effects of that and it really grows them up a lot and then they come home and they're like Mom thank you so much for washing the dishes so some of it is just they have to go out and experience some of that and they will come back and they will appre appreciate what you're doing and they will actually they actually will join in the other night my my kids came home and surprised me from college and the next night they cooked the whole dinner and cleaned up and I looked at my husband and I was like it's a miracle they are responsible they went to the grocery store they made the whole thing and we ate and it's cleaned up you know that was success I don't need you to make a lot of money I need to know that you can make dinner and it was just beautiful and they one day do that type stuff and it's kind of am the mom of two-year-olds is crying right now she's like this is not my life this seems so far away I know that's the Hope because I think moms of younger kids here about teens and they get like really scared and I'm like it's great there are such great things and it's really fun and you laugh a lot and you can share things with them that you couldn't share with younger kids and you're closer to that than making you dinner and cleaning it up yes I mean cers over here're so much fun yeah I think they're I know they get a bad rap and so can two-year-olds right the two-year-olds are squishy we don't have the squishy we don't have cheeks and thighs and all that anymore and so we don't get those things but we you know it's every season I think you would say this too has great things to enjoy and hard things to endure they all do I mean they all do and it's just kind of holding them and saying I'm going to choose to see what's good and just bear with what's hard because every motherhood man there's no easy season that I found yet I haven't found that one yeah it's y'all you're doing a great job if no one's told you today you're listening thank you Melissa for joining me so much we will link to all the things it's going to take a huge page we'll just link to your one page of all your books because otherwise we'd break Amazon I think so thank you again for sharing and sharing about parenting with hope hopefully all feel some hope about how to raise teens for Christ in the days that we live thanks so much for having me it's been so fun once again I hope this was an encouraging conversation for you and if something jumped out at you um a conviction that maybe the Holy Spirit gave you for your family my prayer is always that you would take that to God and ask him is this Forest is this something I'm feeling pressur to do or is this something you're prompting me to do and to evaluate it that way I also I just want to pray over our hearts as parents that we would get pulled back to the truth of who God is and not fall into the pressures of our culture so Lord I pray over each parent that's listening I pray Lord that you would direct them that you would Empower them to partner with you to recognize their role in their families I pray Lord that even in our own family that we would prioritize gathering together whether it's around your word whether it's around prayer whether it's around both I thank you Lord for the global church I thank you that we have this Rich Heritage of belief and faith in you and I pray Lord that we would be the ones who pass that on to the next Generation Um I pray Lord for a mom who's discouraged after hearing this I pray that you would be her Comfort I pray that she would bring her grief to you I pray Lord as our kids fail that we would be safe plac places that we would prioritize that relationship over our reputation over our disappointment over our shame that we would ultimately trust your bigger plan at work I thank you for Melissa and her words in this book and in this podcast and I pray Lord um ultimately that your will be done and not our own in Jesus name amen thank yall for joining me this week and for sharing always I know it's a busy time of year I know podcast listening goes down but when you listen when you share other people join our little community and it's amazing to me how people were like oh I just found your podcast like 10 years in I just found your podcast and I'm thrilled when that happens because it's because of y'all I know that it's because whether you left a review whether you put on your social media feed somebody bumped into our content and it's not because of some master marketing plan that I have so thank thank you for being a part of our team here uh I'll be back here next week with a new episode Bruce and I celebrated 25 years of marriage and we're answering your questions all right have a good one adios bye I hope you enjoyed this episode of the don't mom alone podcast if you're wanting to connect with more people and more resources to help remind you that you're not alone head over to don't Mom alone.com that's where you'll also find show notes with any links mentioned mentioned by our guests most importantly I want you to know the good news the great news that you're not alone because God has promised to always be with you with faith in Jesus Christ the one who died for you and rose again Jesus said when he left he was going to leave a helper a comforter to be with us God in us moms that's superpower so while you're washing dishes at your kitchen sink while you're driving to and from work while you're feeding that baby late into the night while you're cleaning sticky floors God promises to be just as present with you as when you're worshiping in a church pew as it says in Zephaniah 3:17 the Lord your God is with you he is mighty to save he takes great Delight in you he will quiet you with his love and he will rejoice over you with singing now that's good news have a great day [Music]